Look At Him!


My Marty was on the Dean’s List

Straight A’s through college

Put on your raincoat girls

He’s a fountain of knowledge.


All the women adore him

His mother loves him the most

Try and seduce him girls

You’ll smolder like burned toast.


He’s a doctor, my son

The best in his profession

He’s a proctologist by trade

But he’ll check the flip side as a concession.


He’s looking for a girl

Just like me

Creamy and delicious

Like crackers with brie


She should sauté him a paella

My Marty’s gourmet thing

And I’ll flush down the toilet

Her nasty chicken-a-la-king


She should be sexy

With a high bust if you please

Mine reached to my cheekbones

Now they’re down to my knees.


He gets manicures and haircuts

I pluck the hairs on his nose

He gets laser for the fungus

That grows wild on his toes.


He brushes his teeth daily

Briskly twice each day

So his teeth sparkle like mine

And drives the halitosis away


I won’t allow tattoos

Maybe a heart with “mother”

Anything else

With a pillow I’ll smother.


Do you know a nice girl

Who is anxious to wed?

I’ll check out her details

Maybe she’ll meet us in bed.


I’ll pick a king-sized bed

For the honeymoon

But if she thinks I’m an intruder

Then cock-ihr-oon.


But if she marries my son

She better dress classy

Her diction should be precise

And her digestion not too gassy.